KABOOM!!

Jul. 27th, 2011 07:54 pm
atthequillsmercy: (FAIL)
LJ got attacked, as you all know. So I have decided to post at WordPress along with LJ till I get annoyed with one and drop it. :p

As you all may NOT know (unless you slavishly follow my Twitter feed) I have finished the rough draft of Gods in the Grey City, which I will get to work on typing as fast as possible.

In other news, as of Monday, Ma is officially on hospice care. :( There’s no telling how long till… Well, TILL. It’s the same hospice my Granny used so I expected them to be very nice to me. So far, I have not been disappointed.

Understandably (I hope) you can understand all the delay with my writing these days. :/

It’s no excuse for laziness, however. So, I better get to work.

 

atthequillsmercy: (FAIL)
I've been through all this before but still, it's draining.

I spoke to my Mother's doctor on Tuesday and he says what boils down to "She's getting worse. I will be conferring with her oncologist as to continuing her treatment and the hospital will take care of any hospice arrangements." This sinks in for a couple days and after going to my Mother on Thursday evening and telling her she has a choice of chemo or waiting to die because there's no chance of her getting better, the doctor comes and tells her she'll be going home in a couple days with a home health aide. The difference being a home health aide isn't waiting for you to die.

So in the last week I've been intimately equated with why the phrase "roller-coaster of emotions" is a cliche. It fits. Holly hell, man. I am tired inside and out. When I sleep, I don't dream (that I can remember) and at my best moments, I'm able to eat. But I put one foot in front of the other, keep working and keep writing.

Since things change every day (Hour? Minute?), I'm hesitant to even say she's recovering from the shingles so she'll be coming home "in a few days" with an aide. Honestly? I have not been reading anyone's journals or stories or anything (even though I've really wanted to). I'm taking it one day at a time.

Oh look, another cliche! Urrgghhh.. >_<

But I'm still writing and working to get my Zazzle shop filled with things and infect Amazon with my madness. :p I'm muddling through. That's the best way I can put it. I'll do my best to be involved but if my eyes glaze over, cut me some slack. ;)
atthequillsmercy: (Default)
Yeah, I've been out of it and trying to catch up. Ma went back into the hospital a couple of days ago so I've been understandably scatterbrained.

I'll be working my way around trying to play catch up but it'll be slow going. I need to prepare for Ma to come home. The house is just not the same without her.

We don't have any plans today other than to get things clean and practice driving some more. I'm getting better at it! :D I also need to drop by the hospital to give Ma a few things.

I haven't been sleeping well but I have been writing. I've decided to throw my energy into getting as many short stories written to sell as possible. I need the money, plain and simple.

Better get on it. I have tons to do!
atthequillsmercy: (Default)
No good news from the doctors. :( Sadly, it's just a matter of "when" not "if" but I always knew that. Her cancer is terminal, inoperable, and comes with a whole host of complications.

Ma could live the next two years or be gone by the end of summer. There's just no way to tell. In the meantime, me and my husband are taking on the tasks she uses to do, like driving the kid around and laundry and such.

It just blows my mind that this is the second time I will watch a parent succumb to lung cancer. And neither my Mother nor my Grandmother smoked a day in their lives.
atthequillsmercy: (Hypatia of Alexandria)
Or she will be by the time I get off work today. My mother was released from the hospital this afternoon. :)

It's difficult for me to sum up the feelings other than the ole roller-coaster metaphor. While tired, it is apt but doesn't quite cover what it's like to have your remaining parent in and out of the hospital and never quite knowing which time will be the last. There MUST be a special circle of hell just for that feeling. If I really believed in hell... Anyways, this passed week or so has sucked ass and that's the nicest way I can put it. Between my mother in the hospital, my husband spraining his ankle and my child determined to act three years old no matter how illogical I keep telling her that is; I believe some booze and/or long bubble baths are in order.

Which has left me with some sort of a quandary: How personal do I want to get with my writing blog? Granted, I won't be doing in depth reviews of *achem* "toys" I purchase or describing bodily functions in grizzly detail (only vague detail ~_^) , but if I wait to only talk about writing, it's kinda cold and lonely. I don't get many visitors here anyway and the ones that come, I'd like to keep.

So, I suppose it's time to get to know the Lenni. As House would say: Wear a cup.
atthequillsmercy: (Default)
Ma has been in the hospital since Wednesday and with her having lung cancer and all, I always wonder if this time will be the time she goes in and never comes out. But it isn't this time. Ma's being treated for shingles and will be home in a couple days. Not fit as a fiddle but fit enough.

It's during times like this where I try to meet my writing goals but I tend to fall short. I am filled with guilt about focusing on anything else but my Mother getting better and also for not giving my writing the focus it deserves. But through all this, I noticed that writing helped me keep my head together during down time where I would otherwise be panicking. I'm the type to handle a crisis while its happening then break down after (or when there's really nothing more I can do).

Writing really helped me keep from curling up in a ball and crying or screaming at people for no reason other than they continue to breathe near me. So now I know in the future, I shouldn't feel guilty for writing if something has gone bad or if I can't reach the magical 5 page mark. If the treadmill and weights keep my body strong, writing keeps my spirit strong. I'll need both to support my family through though times.

Now, since things are better, I promise I will get back to talking about anime and making dick, fart, and boob jokes now. XD
atthequillsmercy: (Default)
I've tweaked the site, written in my journal, and devised ever more soul crushing ways of pimping ATQM. I feel my fingers itching to draw so expect art down the pipe sooner or later.

I am getting back into working out and going to start yoga to keep calm. I think stress is at the root of the stomach problems I've been having lately.

All I can do is just be there for my Ma and be strong for my family.

They say pain fuels the creative soul.

"They" can suck it. T_T I'll take nice, calm, brilliant epiphanies in the shower any day.
atthequillsmercy: (Default)
Yesterday, I found "Final Exit" in Ma's car. I wasn't supposed to see it.

Later that night, my husband tells me Ma told him a few weeks ago the doctors gave her a year to live.

Nanowrimo is over. I didn't make the 50k and I really don't care. That's just the kind of news that kills your inspiration.

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